Dear Magda,
I have been married for many years, but we believed in Zero Population Growth, and decided not to have children. I really am not even sure what happened: have we changed our minds, or was it fate? I am pregnant and now I am paying attention to babies and mothers. It is so confusing to watch them. I met one mother who seemed so secure, she talked to her eight-month-old daughter as if she would understand what she was saying. This mother mentioned that she had studied with you. I have two questions: “When do babies begin to understand words?”, and, “What do you teach in your classes for expectant parents?”
Signed,
Expectant Parent
Dear Expectant Parent,
To answer your first question first, nobody knows when exactly an infant begins to understand language. But infants do begin to pay attention to the world around them slowly and gradually from birth on. To talk to your baby from the first hour of her life is not only pleasant and soothing to the baby, it is a relief for the parent to say how she feels and what she wants. It is also the beginning of a lifetime of communication.
About what happens in our expectant parent classes, I like to “sow seeds”. I try to give parents strength to not fall victim to the incredible bombardment of sales pitches, free gifts, brochures, etc. The more insecure the parent, the more difficult it is to resist all those wonderful sounding gadgets that are touted as keeping your baby happy and content, while stimulating her and accelerating her intelligence.
In our classes we give you the guidelines for sorting through the many conflicting and confusing bits of advice that will come your way. We talk about what it will be like living with a new baby, how to prepare the physical environment, what to buy and certainly what not to buy. We discuss what you can expect from a newborn and a young baby, and how to do the impossible: responding to a newborn’s needs without completely exhausting yourself. We focus on how to develop a dialogue, how to respond to a crying baby, your role, your baby’s role, etc. We help you understand how your baby leams to trust, how he develops skills and competencies, how you can leam about your baby’s unique characteristics. We talk about how you can let your infant know about your expectations, and just what those expectations are, both overt and covert. In summary, we plant the “confident parent seeds”.
I am aware that you are now preoccupied with birth, and everything that happens afterwards seems remote and intangible. Yet this is the ideal time to become acquainted with some basic R.I.E. ideas. If you ask any of those parents who learned about the R.I.E. approach later, they will tell you how much easier it is to develop good habits from the beginning than to undo and change “bad” habits later.
I need to repeat our basic principles, because only if you do identify with them will our guidelines be helpful to you.
Respect is the basis of the R.I.E. philosophy. We not only respect babies, we demonstrate our respect every time we interact with them. Respecting a child means treating even the youngest infant as a unique human being, not as an object.
We have basic trust in the infant to be an initiator, an explorer eager to learn what he is ready for.
Therefore:
We provide an environment for the infant that is physically safe, cognitively challenging, and emotionally nurturing. We give her plenty of time for uninterrupted play. We do not teach him how to move or how to play, but rather observe him carefully to understand his communications and his needs. During care activities (diapering, feeding, bathing, dressing, etc.) we encourage even the tiniest infant to become an active participant rather than a passive recipient of the activities.
If you agree with these R.I.E. principles, you can develop an inner guideline for responding to all the perplexing questions of parenthood. I’ll give you just a few examples of RIE’s recommendations on how to start out with your baby.
Physical Space: The appropriate place for your baby is his own room. He should be within hearing distance, but out of too much activity. Theories and fads keep changing, from advising you to sleep together in the “family bed”, to putting the infant far enough away not to be disturbed by his crying. Some experts tell you to take your baby with you wherever you go to give her security.
We believe that babies derive security from both being near their parents and also being allowed to freely explore their environment on their own.
Objects, furniture, toys and other baby paraphernalia: Buy a basket or small crib, a diapering table, a chest of drawers, a small plastic bathtub and an approved car safety seat. What you do not need are jolly jumpers, swings, walkers and high chairs. I would even discourage you from buying an infant seat, except if you need it to put the baby into the shopping cart in the supermarket. A better solution however, is not to take the baby with you.
For the first two months, babies’ most valuable play objects, and even mobiles, are their own hands, their parents’ faces, the bars of their cribs, their blankets, etc. The first “toy” we recommend is a cotton or linen (never silk) square, about 20″ x 20″, hemmed and pulled up into a peak, to be visible to an infant lying on her back.
An attenuated environment: Regularity and predictability help babies develop their inner rhythm of sleeping, eating and alertness. It is best if a baby can spend the first 6-8 weeks rather undisturbed in her own environment, and parents give themselves time without extra activities. It is exhausting to live with a new baby; parents would do well to take it easy and give themselves rest rather than more activities.
The way you begin life with your newborn will set a pattern, a kind of blue print for future relationships. And while it may seem too difficult to stay home for a while and postpone all those “self-fulfilling” activities in the world outside, believe me, it will be time well-spent learning about and enjoying the daily wonder of a new human being, your own child.
Good Luck,
Magda Gerber
