In the past the role of being a mother overshadowed the other parts of a woman’s personality. As a reaction to old restraints, some mothers want to believe that having a baby should not change their lives. “I live my own life and no child will interfere.” Slowly society must realize that parenting is the most important work. Becoming a parent is one of the greatest changes in an adult’s life, for better or for worse. Why deny it? Why ignore it? A parent is a parent is a parent, with all the responsibilities, and should be aware of this before he or she becomes a parent. Nobody said it was easy to be a parent. Before becoming one, there are two major difficulties to consider:
1) The Ongoingness of Being a Parent: You see, even if the child is not home, you never stop being a parent. It is a terrific psychological burden knowing and thinking and feeling that “this is my child and I am responsible for his well-being.” It’s kind of a feeling of un-freeness. Think of how you felt before you were a responsible parent.
2) The Technicality of Being a Parent:This is the nitty-gritty—the basics, if you will. You have just got to do certain things, go through definite caregiving motions, while parenting. Whether you want to stay in bed or not, the child still demands ongoing care.
It is these two realities that impinge on the attitudes of today. And these realities don’t have to be so overwhelming if the parents have strong support, both that of their peers and of society itself. If the parent’s job is recognized as tough and society supports parenthood and its toughness, then the parent feels strong. “It is tough, but I’m doing it well”—that’s a good way to feel about one of the hardest, most challenging jobs in the world.
I’m not talking about glorifying parenthood the way they did a few years back. They hallelujahed parenthood so much and so greatly out of proportion that no one could live up to that false “perfect” image of the super-parent. That was the pitfall of those times. There was lots of support, but it was terribly guilt-inducing.
Q. Cara: Magda, it seems to be so much harder to raise children nowadays. If it weren’t for our playgroups and later preschools, most of us parents would be raising our children in a sort of confined and confining monotonous world. We are very isolated from each other. There is no small town, no real community. Our children are as trapped in our adult worlds as we are in theirs. So how can parents give their children any sense of autonomy or self-confidence when they themselves are slaves?
A. Magda: Parenting takes time. It’s like any job you train for. You go to school to learn it, you go through a lot of pressure, exams, sweat, second thoughts, but if you want it badly enough, you keep at it. You can’t do your own thing during this job-training period. Society expects you to work hard. After all, it’s a job, right? If we could only think of parenthood in these terms. Realistically, parents must know the consequences of their choices—having a child or not having a child, accepting a job or not accepting a job. You see? They must mentally plan for this parenting job as well as physically plan for it. They must make room for this child/job in their lives. If the parents decide that, yes, they choose to have a child, then they must accept the responsibility that goes with that choice. They must accept involvement (time, space, emotion, availability), and a certain giving up of egoistic needs. They must realize this—there is no other way. They must know that there is a certain amount of investment: “I will do this now and later reap the benefits . . .” And they must really take a good, introspective look at themselves and seriously question: “What kind of person am I?” Then they must also question seriously what a child really needs before they have that child.
If parents would think about and plan for parenthood, there would be more happy children, and parents. It’s so important for a young child to start with good experiences in his own family. Maybe for two or two-and-a-half years, the parents must let go of other activities. Because this kind of timely investment is what ultimately produces secure, independent, self-sufficient children. The more you invest in those first early years of parenting, the easier your life will be later on. You won’t have to be a slave to a child who has been given this kind of attention. It’s simply the difference between the nagging, neglected (withdrawn or aggressive) children and those that will make it in life independently, with strength and self-confidence.
Q. Cara: Well, what about the single parent or two working parents, who must be away from the child? How can they reap the benefits of that kind of situation?
A. Magda: If the parents work, and the child is still very important to them, then they must find time for that special quality time. Again, the parents must ask themselves what sort of solution would be satisfying to both them and their child. I believe that if you want something strongly enough, you will find it. I would like to see those parents who can’t be with their children find one caregiver with whom they feel confident and comfortable, and pay that person to take care of their children. This helper would feel a commitment and take great interest in the job, since it would involve the most important profession that exists. The parents would feel positive, knowing that they had provided the best, most loving, caring solution. The helper’s response to the child’s small signals would establish the child’s confidence in the adult. This type of confidence forms the basis of contact for the ongoing caregiving.
